Happy New Year!!! I know it’s been a long time since I have been able to chat but things have literally been spinning out of control and my focus has been on everything except for writing. There just seems to be so much going on at one time that for awhile I didn’t even seem like myself. It was almost as if I was beginning to morph into this other individual that I did not recognize, I did not know, and quite frankly nor did I care for her very much.
I was finally beginning to see the result of my overactive lifestyle and the product of my busyness. Now don’t get me wrong during the last 6 months I have learned a lot about myself and all about how creative of an artist I really am and have grown a great deal in that area. I took some time to explore my other creative talents such as beading, crocheting and learned how to make jewelry. I even opened up my Etsy store RBD Designs this morning, but I haven’t been doing is writing. I have not written one word in well over a month. I work and I craft and then I go back to work. I try to sleep a little in between once in awhile but I’m still not very successful at that. Oh and then, of course, there is family and other personal obligations, plan making, self-discovering, the I’m getting too damn close to 40 to be single woes, and the list goes on and on. Then recently I looked in the mirror and saw a very tired, worn, reflection staring back at me.
That’s when I realized that this new image that I was seeing of myself was not me, but a shell of me of who I used to be. I know longer go out, shop for shoes, get dressed up just because, get my nails done and very rarely wear my full face of Friday night make up on Tuesday afternoon just feel perky. My busyness had finally taken control of me I was always drained and unhappy to where I didn’t even have a desire to write. Somewhere in the midst of my busyness and normal life hiccups I have given up. I had given up on my likes, my wants, and my desires. I had given up on me! And for a brief moment giving up almost looked like growing up, but it isn’t. It’s a deterrent, it’s a distraction. When the busyness and other life factors seem to completely take over and run your life, it’s often a sign that we are running from life. Things will come up, life will change, schedules will change and we will change. However, we can’t lose ourselves in the process or run from it. We will grow and we will learn, but is an essence of ourselves that is so deeply part of our making trying to change that part will only make us unrecognizable. Now please don’t get me wrong I enjoy the new skill set that I have developed and you will be seeing a lot more of my new creative ideas very soon but it is not a trade in for the other parts of me. I’m not ready to trade in my sexy for a skein of yarn just yet or my writing for beads. These things are part of my essence, my core and I am here to embrace them fully. I can no longer run into the busyness.
Recently I have thinking about how many of us me included have or have had a really hard time during our lives trying to differentiate who we are compared to who we are suppose to be. It’s one of the those internal struggles that one can often get lost in and even defeated by. When I was younger I really struggled with: Who was I suppose to be? What was suppose to do? How am I suppose to act? Even, How am I suppose to look? Really, who decides these things? We do!
I have to realize after I got older that it was not anyone else’s opinion about who I suppose to be or even who I was it was mine. In getting to the who we are suppose to be we first must examine who we are and understand that it in order to get to who we are “meant to be” is a growth process. Understanding who we are as individuals is how we develop into our destined selves. Truth is the entire concept of “who are you suppose to be” is nothing more that a distraction.
Most of the time if we are trying to do what we think or what someone else told us we were suppose to do we are just on a mission to please someone else family, partners, teachers, spiritual leaders, or even God. I got to the point where I believed that I was suppose to be what other’s wanted me to be and my own innate skills and interest were wrong. Once I got older and started to embark on a journey where I worked and developed my skills, interest, and gifts I realized that I wasn’t meant to be what other’s wanted me to be. I was meant to be what God had created me to be (why do you think he gave us those gifts). But what was really important, I realized that it was truly all about the journey.
During that journey of chasing all of the wrong outlets, people, and careers was how I realized that I was already “who” I was suppose to be and “where” I suppose to be. So though I may not always enjoy the journey I understand it has allowed embrace that who I was “meant” to be was always in me the entire time.
Enjoy the journey,
Ok, I am hiting a milestone birthday tomorrow and I am really feeling the need to work on my sexy. I am usually one of those women that is aways looking to an opportunity to tap into my inner sexy, but lately I have been feeling like I have been tapping an empty jar. Between work, obligations, and the freaking out about getting older I mentioned in my other posts (among other things I’ll discuss another day) I have been feeling anything but sexy lately. I feel like I must do something bold and exciting to bring me back to my sensual center. Sooo I was thinking about getting a brazilian wax for my b’day, my own personal sexy secret gift to myself. I’venever did it before and it is something that I’ve always had on my bucket list. Now I am true believer in proper grooming from head to toe and all those lil’ fuzzy things inbetween, but I always thought of that as a different type of bare. I must admit that I have always thought about waxing as a silky smoothness that couldn’t be accommplished with a razor or even Nair. I did a little research some indirect questioning to see how other women felt about it and most thought I had lost my mind for even bringing it let along considering it and don’tfor get the other portion of women that don’t want to discuss that region of the body (which is a whole other discussion). Even as I consider myself more of an open minded individual I really am not comfortable lying on a table with my leg in the air and its not a medical professional. Though if I do decide to I will be going to a luxury spa to get it done, because this may just be one of once in a life time events. Hey if all goes well I well I just let my little sexy secret out and do a full review of my experience. No pictures of course.
I have noticed over the last few days there have been a flood of self love messages about not comparing yourself to others so I have really been thinking about the how we all really do have indivual journey’s and it is not for us or anyone else to compare mine to someone else’s. The reason why I am jumping on the bandwagon is because as I mentioned in a previous post my birthday is coming up in a few days and I have been freaking out. Everything I have not done over my years of being an adult especially the fact that I am a single woman without children and my career wasn’t moving the way that I would have hoped at this age were hitting the surface of my reality with the same intensity that hurricane Sandy hit the Jersey shore. I thought about how I have had friendships end or become strained because I have had a friend to get married and become super critical of the fact that I still single and still dating and told me I just need to be by myself. Then there was the girlfriend that was still living in her mother’s house with two children that informed me that her mother didn’t think that I was doing enough with my life for us to remain friends, which perplexed me because I do work two jobs, own my own business, and have my own place. I have to admit that there was a pity party for a few days because I felt so alone and accomplished so I took to a few of the inspirational youtubers for assistance and I was surprised that the messages had been the same a “Stop comparing yourself to others”. Which is something that I know, but as humans we can already know things and when someone else is in need we are able to give a wealth of wisdom and knowledge but are usually unable to do it for ourselves (at least I can’t). I thought about how easy it is to for us to compare our journey to others just like others can compare of our journey to theirs. Sometimes we like those around us feel as though if we are not doing things at the same time or same rate as others that we are doing something wrong. First of all we must be very honest with ourselves and because it is OK not to want the samethings and the people around you. It is ok to take a risque and pursue a career that you love (as long as your bills are still getting paid). The beauty of it is that God created each of us differently and gave up all a seperate journey. Each individual journey takes its own unique path in this world and which path you take is for you to decide. Though I admit I am a little disappointed to my life may not have accomplished everything that I have wanted in the time span I may have wanted I had to realize that I have been able to accomplish beautiful things and have been blessed with opportunities that I never would have imagined. Instead of comparing what we have and what we are doing to others take the time out and evalute your own personal journey with the dreams and goals that you have set for yourself. Being comfortable with who you are will strengthen you confidence in a way that will allow you to travel your journey in a new bold and beautiful way. When I take the time to focus on my own individual dreams and purpose I find that growth and opportunity knocks much faster. I was watching Andrea Lewis this morning on Youtube and made a great point by saying the only person that you should ever compare yourself to is you. Remember that in life you are the only one that can live your life and live your life only. That is the one thing that I have to keep in mind before the next pity party and hopefully it won’t happen.
Often I come across certain messages on Instagram or Tumblr that really stick with me. This one particularly stuck with me personally because it a subject that I had struggled with for years after I graduated from college. I was too busy try to do what I thought was right than to really sit down and listen to my own inner voice and figure out what I wanted to do with my life. It took me a number of unnecessary struggles and unhappy years to begin to live the life that I wanted, enter the career field that fit me and began to breath knowing that at the end of the day that my spirit is the one that needed to be satisfied. However, recently I have noticed that I am doing the same thing in my dating life. I have been dating a guy over the last few months that really has no idea of who I really am and I had no idea why I am perpetrating this fraud. Somehow I allowed him to draw his own conclusion of who I was and let him just roll with that. Now I am fully aware that this has the tendency to turn into an absolute disaster because I have realized that the me that he thinks that I am is nothing more than a watered down version of my true self. I have not had this problem since my younger years. Even then I realized very early on that the individual I was dating wasn’t fully equipped to deal with certain aspects of me or I was conscious that I was trying to be something that I wasn’t because thats what I thought he wanted. But this time was very different, at this point in my life I am very aware of who I am as a women and what I have to offer in a relationship. So when I first realized what I was doing I was confused about why I was doing it. After a lot of thought I realized that I was slipping back into my post college years of being what I thought I was supposed to be.
See when your single over 30 people feel the need to tell you all of the qualities about yourself that you have that doesn’t make you “wifey material”. So I remained quiet and let him draw his own conclusions about me, and not because I feel like he wouldn’t like the real me because it may just make him a little more comfortable to know that I am not on the pedestal that he put me on. I just me! Now please don’t get me wrong as a woman I do want to be viewed a certain way by the man I am dating but I mainly want to be involved long term with a man that I comfortable being myself around and still be treated accordingly. I’m not saying that I am not willing to listen to solid dating advice but the whole theory of what types of women get married and what types don’t just based on their personality and not on reputation of lack of self-respect are not flying with me anymore. When it comes down to pretending to be something that I am not. This is not to say that I do not have somethings that I need to work on but I am human and no one that I date will be perfect either. However, the lesson that I learned is to live for myself and allow myself to be me. Changing just to be in relationship not being true to who you are and it is not fair to the other person. Now the guy I’m seeing is really cool but I don’t think that we can even become serious at this point because for the last few months he has been dating someone that I don’t even know and she looks just like me, so how do I establish trust like that?