I will be the first to admit that I am no good at relationships, actually recently I have realized I am quite terrible. I used to say it was because I was selfish which is true to some extent but in all actuality it’s because I wasn’t being honest with myself about what I really wanted. Which is a love that surpasses understanding and rationale. People that are close to me already know that I have a tendency to overthink almost everything, especially things that are really personally to me then I panic. I do have some reasons for why I’m this way but that’s another story. (check out my A Good Relationship redbuttaflydiva.com) However, I am still 35 and single and of course I hearing about it.
We all know that when it comes to love and relationships that most people we know are always willing to jump and a chance to give their unrequested advice. For those that would like to see me fix this problem I have told what type of men to date, what my requirements need to be, and what types of monetary compensation I should request. Then you have the miserable Betty’s that have instructed me I should just worry about my career and just fill my time with work, I must admit I did for a number of years. For awhile it kept me busy and mind occupied until it became all I did and all I was. Then I had to take a step back look at myself and acknowledge the fact that I am human and not a work horse. Truth is that no one truly knows all of the answers about love. I have taken classes on love and relationships, conducted couples therapy, and have given sex and relationship advice as a consultant and still struggle when comes to my own love life. For most of us this is true unless you are honest with yourself. This is where I am finally being honest with myself about what my hearts desire really is.
This forced honesty came when all of that hard work I just mentioned started paying off and many of my dreams starting to come true and I felt sad because I don’t have that special someone to share it with. That piece of reality made me realize that in the past when it came to love and relationships I functioned from a place of hurt, fear, and the perception of others. I needed to be confident in my own wants and needs to seek the type of relationship I crave. I don’t need it wrapped in a nice little neat package so others can accept it or even deny myself the opportunity to fit a mold that someone wanted to put me in.
I desire that heart wrenching gut churning love that is built to last and eternity, what movies are made from, the kind of love that I write about. I know that kind of love is will not be easy to find, but I do know that it’s nothing like the fairy tales. I also know that it’s not wrapped in designer labels, expensive meals, fancy cars, Benjamin Franklins, or even a ton of degrees and titles, it’s covered in respect, hard work, vulnerability, tenacity and dedication. I want someone that is willing to hold my hand until the lights go out in my eyes if he had to and an individual I would be willing to do the same for.
Surprisingly, I need what have scared me for years. I remember when my father passed away when I was a teen ager I watched part of my mother struggle just to get up and get dressed for months how she couldn’t even sleep in their bedroom for over a year it scared the hell out of me and I never wanted to need or hurt for somebody that much. Though I was in my own personal hell I my young mind couldn’t comprehend it because I saw their love as a choice not the same as parent and child, but I did understand that I didn’t want to feel that way ever. However, I did end up experiencing a similar feeling in my 20’s when my first love passed away suddenly which just made my initial feelings worse. Thankfully almost 20 years later I now understand that I have been cheating myself out of an amazing bond that I am praying that I didn’t wait to late to discover.